Incredibly Weird World of IMSwan
by staceleo
Summary: Being a teenager is annoying enough. Add in your new town being overrun by vampires and you have nothing but trouble. This is the story of the incredibly weird world of Isabella Swan. Just another reimagining of Twilight in the fan fiction world.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: It's a new year and I need to write some snark. **

**Stephenie Meyers wrote the original, but this would be my version. It's . . . Umm . . . Different.**

**Enjoy. (P.S. I'll finish White Picket Fences someday. I'm stuck. So very, very stuck.)**

Incredibly Weird World of I.M. Swan

Chapter 1

I think that kid in the van is drunk.

That ugly, blue pimp mobile was weaving in the parking lot like it was actually aiming for some kind of contact. It almost hit me in this piece of rusty junk and I had just pulled in the parking spot. That kid literally fell out of the van. I was sure he had a flask in there.

The kid was the only African American in a sea of lily white assholes who were all staring at my vehicle. I don't blame him for getting drunk. Having this group of gawking idiots as classmates, would make me need a beer too.

Forks High was surrounded by gray like this whole state. It had been raining since Chief Charlie threw my suitcase in his cruiser at the airport .This is the kind of weather that drove a person insane. I read that people in Alaska go crazy after those days of constant sun or darkness. Forks and the gloomy weather probably had the same effect. However, all the the locals could be the true reason for loss of brain matter. Renee warned me about it right before she pushed me on the plane. She grew up here, so she was probably an expert about insanity. Renee was a prime example. Mother-of-the-Year was not in her future.

I turned up some more angry Ani DiFranco on the stereo. It was a cassette player so the sound coming out of the speakers was mostly static when she was singing angry rants. It just fueled my ire at this high school experience that hadn't started yet. I should have dyed my hair blue and added some wicked piercings before I left Arizona. Renee would have found it cute. Chief Charlie was trying to be a "cool" dad, but I was certain if I came home with a look like that I would be sent to reform school.

My calendar was being marked off daily until I could escape to college. Freedom for experimentation and being left the hell alone in my dorm room with pizza. It was a dream that would get me through this abyss of teenage stupidity.

The hunk of spare parts started shaking and rattling. I was gifted this thing in the morning by Chief Charlie and his fishing buddy. The fishing buddy's kid drove it over to me before I left for school. I was fairly certain that the kid was too young to drive. He was all skinny arms and legs with most of his weight being his long black hair. The story was that he fixed this death trap out of the goodness of his adolescent boy heart. The way he kept winking at me made me certain that the perv was trying to get laid. The memory made me want to throw up in my mouth again.

The fishing buddy was making plans for my future wedding to the perverted child hair model with Chief Charlie the whole time they were there. It made me imagine pushing fishing buddy out of his wheelchair and running him over with the junkyard truck dowery they just bestowed me with. It's a horrible thing to think, but being in an arranged marriage with that little shit who kept adjusting the front of his pants while staring at my boobs was a worse thought to occupy my mind.

I shut off the truck reluctantly. A part of me wanted to just hide in here on the slightly rank smelling seats, but there was a very good chance that it would blow up if it ran any longer. The jerks seemed to be waiting for me to get out. They were like sharks just circling around and waiting for the first blood to seep in the water to attack. They were just foaming at the mouth waiting for the fresh meat to make an appearance. The worst they could do was annoy me to death. I could handle that in my sleep.

The first lesson of the day is how to ignore people. It's all about the headphones. You stick them on and turn up the pissed off rock up really loud. They might try to talk to you, but you just keep walking and rocking out to the music pumping in your ears. If they find you rude enough, they'll never talk to you again. That would be the goal if you performed your task correctly.

My destination in sight, I put my headphones on and headed out into the drizzle that made Forks into a soppy wetland. I kept my head down and walked quickly toward the front door. I was so close—

There was a bright flash in front of my eyes causing me to lose my balance. I barely kept myself upright. I pulled off my earphones. The blaring sounds of Sonic Youth guitar riffs fading away. "What the _hell _are you doing?"

It was an Asian guy with a camera in his hands. He pushed his floppy bangs out of his face. "The new girl has arrived! I'm Eric Yorkie, your guide to all things Forks. You a little clumsy, huh?"

"No."

Snapping a bright flash in a person's eyes would make anyone unsteady, asshole.

"You are going to be the star of the front page of _The_ _Fork's High Gazette_!" He sounded so excited. He must be drunk too. A school full of alcoholics was going to be a blast. I should alert Chief Charlie to bust all of them. It could be an early Christmas present.

"No."

The guy frowned at me. He couldn't take a firm negative answer. "But you're the Chief's daugh—"

"I will hurt you."

"You're very scary." He did in fact sound frightened.

"Yes."

That's when I heard a loud laugh coming from some fancy cars near the school. It might have been the administrative staff's parking area, but the BMW, Porsche, and Hummer were not the type of vehicles that a public school salary could easily afford. The Volvo, however, had to belong to the secretary or lunch lady. It was perfect for lugging around screaming babies. My grandmother had one. She could barely see, but it had safely got her and her cranky buddies to bingo at the senior center for many years. Gran only hit a few parked cars in her golden age. I call that a win.

The actual owners of these luxury vehicles were leaning on them looking like models who might be ghosts. They were so pale they bordered on translucent. The pale moonlight had nothing on the lot of them. A werewolf would get confused and turn to a rampaging beast if one of those good-looking apparitions mooned it. The paleness wasn't really a problem with me. I wasn't exactly bronzed either. It was the look on their perfect faces. They were entitled creeps. I hated entitled creeps.

Two of the boys and one of the girls were looking at me like I was dirt. Their faces was pursed like they were sucking on lemons. The blond boy and his blonde pin-up twin seemed to want to suffocate me with their glares. The other girl, whose dark hair looked like it was hacked off with dull scissors, observed me like I was science experiment. It was the fattest of the pretty ones was the idiot laughing at me like I was a joke.

There was only one choice.

I gave fat ass the middle finger salute.

His dimples disappeared and he mouthed, "What the fuck?"

I answered him with another middle finger and a grin.

Fat ass's mouth dropped open.

The redhead standing next to him made a growling sound that echoed in the air. It was really weird. I will admit that Archie Andrews was an attractive sort, but I wasn't Betty or Veronica and I certainly didn't find male aggression to be a turn on.

He didn't looked impressed when I rolled my eyes at him. We stared at each other with barely contained detest. If Archie wanted a staring contest, he would get one. I never lost.

A girl with big, brown eyes and bigger tortoise shell glasses moved in front of me. It ended my angry stare off with the pissy ginger. She sounded awestruck as she informed me, "You just stood up to the Cullens."

"So?"

"That's really cool." The girl held out her hand. "Angela Weber."

I broke my own rule and let her touch me to shake my hand. I already kind of liked this quiet girl and I never liked anyone. "Bella Swan. Can you show me where the office is?"

"Sure!" This Angela Weber We headed up the stairs leading to the front doors. "I should warn you. They rule this school."

I looked back at the sneering Cullen's. I gave them a jaunty wink. "Not anymore."

Forks might be fun after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: There probably won't be updates everyday. My little girl is turning eight and she wants a worm themed birthday party for next weekend, so I'll be trying to write in-between making the best worm themed party ever. It might be the only worm birthday party can't she want Frozen like all the other girls? Probably because she's my kid. Wish me luck. **

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 2

There was a lonely seat far away from the annoying buzz of high pitched chitter chatter of the children surrounding me. It beckoned to me. I could place my backpack on the table to use it as a pillow to take a much needed nap. This cesspool of hormones made one positively exhausted.

I might be the same age as these numbskulls, but I'm certain that I matured past the age of four.

"I like your tee-shirt," Angela said in her quiet voice. "I have some of their CDs hidden under a loose floor board in my room. Mother says they bring forth the devil. Do you think I'm going to be possessed by Satan?"

"Umm . . . No."

She was the reason I was sitting here. I don't think anyone at this table actually talks to her except for when they wanted her to do their homework. From what I have learned so far, Angela Weber was the daughter of two very religious baptist ministers. She was itching to break out from their influence, but afraid of getting in trouble. Actually, the poor girl was afraid of everything. I saw her flinch at her own shadow.

"I think you are going to be the Lane to my Rory," I observed. I picked up the wilted leaf from my salad and let it drop back onto my plate. This food was revolting. I think it was trash from the local diner that they were recycling as school lunches.

"Who?" Angela pushed up her giant bifocals.

"Like in the show _Gilmore Girls_. I will be your guide into delving into your true self, while still maintaining good grades. You don't happen to play the drums do you?" She could make all my childhood _Gilmore Girls_ dreams come true.

If only my mother was cool like Lorelei. Unfortunately, instead of an awesome Luke with a diner full of fries, I got a Phil who was the worst minor league baseball player in Arizona. The man could barely throw a pebble any distance. He couldn't catch a pencil if you tossed it at him. The poor man was permanently benched. It made me curious how he even made the team. I bet he was blackmailing the coach.

"Mother says the program if full of fornicators that will rot in hell," Angela told me. I wanted to hug her. It was just a momentary lapse in judgement. Hugs make me twitchy.

"Oh." I started stabbing overly ripe cherry tomatoes with my fork like I was murdering the sad looking pieces of food. "You want to come over and watch my DVDs this weekend?"

"Yes!" She squealed. I think that's the loudest she ever raised her voice. The rest of the lunch table looked over in shock.

There was a clearing of the throat. The frizzy haired girl with the sprayed on jeans looked at my plate. "Are you a vegetarian? I hear Arizona is filled with those types of people."

"Where did you hear that, Judy?" I took my fork and waved a piece of the slightly smelly lettuce at the girl.

"It's Jessica."

"Whatever."

"My mother said your mom was a hippie in high school. Slept around," the girl stated smugly.

I shrugged and tossed my lettuce at her. It landed on her chest and slipped down into her shirt. It made her wiggle and jiggle. She needed a more supportive bra. "That would be a correct observation about Ma. To answer your first question, no I am not a vegetarian. Dad told me that they are investigating rats being grounded up in the meat for today's mystery meal. It's not official yet or anything. I decided to play it safe with the barely fresh vegetable option."

There was a mass pushing away of the lunch trays. Their faces looked green. It was a beautiful sight.

"So . . . how you liking the—" The blond jock began to ask me. He wore his Letterman jacket with pride. His face was a speckled landscape of acne and scabs were he previously picked at the puss filled bumps.

I popped open my soda. "The school? The town? The miserable rain?"

"I was going to say the rain," he said, looking sheepish.

"I don't, Marky Mark."

"My name is Mike, actually."

"Whatever."

He looked at me with wide eyes. "You want to go to the movies?"

This poor guy was probably going to be into some kinky stuff when he grew up. Getting spanked and wearing diapers, because he seemed to enjoy a girl being mean to him. I really had no clue about any of that kinky happenings. Jamie in Arizona told the whole school that she thought her college age brother was into it. That was the most informative chemistry lab of the year.

"No."

"Lauren already hates you," Frizzy girl announced.

"Who's that, June?"

The girl hit the table. "I'm Jessica!"

"Okay. Should I care what Laurel thinks of me?" I inquired. If frizzy haired one stayed still I bet I could land a cucumber on that bird's nest.

She groaned. "Lauren! She rules the school."

Angela was chuckling quietly next to me.

"I thought that was cranky models that loiter outside of the school?"

"She's after the Cullen's. There's a pecking order!" Jessica looked exasperated.

I looked at Eric who was watching this events like it was a sporting event. "I have a story for you, intrepid boy reporter. I killed the pecking order. Front page news and fresh off the presses."

"Shit! It's like you called them in here," The jock that might be named Mike announced. He looked terrified.

The beautiful ones floated in the room trying to look like royalty. It didn't worked. They just looked like jerks. Archie strutted in last. It was probably because those designer jeans were way too tight. Cut off the circulation to his boy parts.

Frizzy shook her head at them. She loudly whispered, "They aren't really related. Dr. Cullen and his wife adopted them. They're all like dating."

"Kinky," I started spinning my bottle cap.

"It's like incest or something." The girl said with wide eyes.

She wasn't the brightest bulb, was she?

"Not really, because they aren't actually related," I explained slowly. This made Eric snort. Maybe little reporter wasn't so bad after all. I looked at the frizzy one with a frown. "Aren't you quite the questionable town crier around here?"

Frizzy blinked several times. It was slowly registering in that pea sized brain. "Oh . . . That's right! It would be if it was Jasper and Rosalie in a relationship. They're twins."

"Then Houston we would have a problem. It seems that the constipated Doublemint Twins are dating the fashion house reject and the giant one? Do I have this correct?"

Angela nodded. "Rosalie is dating Emmett. Jasper is with Alice. They all have the same eyes!"

Interesting.

"That's common enough to have similar eye colors."

Angela whispered again, "Their eyes are gold."

Eric agreed. "I've never seen eyes like theirs on anyone."

"Do they all have jaundice? I think it makes your skin turn yellow too, but it might start in the eyes." I looked at their angry faces and they occasionally sniffed the air. It was an odd behavior. "Do they all have sinus infections or are they trying to smell the rats in the mystery meat?

The gang looked ill again and Eric explained, "They never eat, so I have no clue."

"That shouldn't be questionable. This food is toxic. It's a wise decision on their part."

"They can hear you!" Mickey hissed. It might be Mikey. I needed some Cliff Notes with this bunch.

"I don't care." I really didn't. "What about Howdy Doody?"

"Edward?" The frizz ball sighed sadly. "I've tried to get his attention, but he never talks to me. He must be—"

"A gay man. I did think Archie was more of a Reggie and Jughead kind of dude. His clothes are the key," I agreed with her sadly. "His hair is perfectly coiffed. He might like Mikey."

"You got my name right!" The jock said happily.

The Jolly Green Giant roared with laughter. My name for him was fitting due to the ugly, puke green sweater he wore.

Pretty Ginger hit the table and stomped off in a huff.

The giant kept laughing. I blew him a kiss that made him laugh harder. That Rosalie chick was going to kill me.

What can I say? Keeps the day exciting.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: 2015 is a time to make some decisions. Trust me when I say 2014 wasn't pleasant. A bunch of horrible things just kept happening to my family nonstop. It was this fan fiction family and writing these stories that got me through it. **

**For this reason, I will no longer be reading guest reviews until my beta validates them. (Yes, I do have one. She just doesn't beta this story. I write this for her to enjoy.) This is my only stress relief. Writing is getting me through many tough times and I'm not letting it get ruined. **

**If you don't like it, I'll never know. I'm completely fine with that. **

**For the rest of you, thank you so much for having fun with this story. This fractured Twilight fable is for you. **

Chapter 3

The teacher was tossing up a fucking yellow painted, plastic onion when I entered the biology room. I had an onion like that when I was a kid in my play kitchen. Renee made that kitchen out of old cardboard boxes that she found in the dumpster outside of our apartment building. It reeked and she finally threw it out when it started making her nauseous. That's what memories were made of.

I shook my head to banish the images of my pet cockroach who lived in it and focused on the teacher. He would catch the onion and start all over again. This was going to be a treat.

"Bella, I'm over here!" Mickey, shit, Mikey waved at me from one of the long, lab tables. He was sitting behind a microscope, looking like an eager little puppy. I bet he would love me to bend him over the teacher's desk with a ruler. So gross.

I ignored my panting suitor and addressed the bored looking teacher, "Mr. Molina? Bella Swan. I'm in your class."

The dark haired man fumbled with the onion and somehow managed to catch it. "Oh! Hi! Chief Swan's girl! Just tossing around the golden onion to tempt your classmates to do their very best."

"That onion is yellow," I pointed out.

He put the onion close to his eyes. "You might be right. I'm colorblind."

Oh. The man looked depressed.

"Yellow is practically gold," I pointed out.

Occasionally, I had moments of being helpful. The poor guy was going around thinking his golden onion was going to tempt his student into studying harder. Instead, they were probably mocking him and his Big Bird yellow onion. Teenagers are assholes.

I was going to win that onion and act like it was the best prize in the whole damn world. Molina took the time to paint an onion, add some glitter, and try to excite these morons into learning. I could at least pretend that it wasn't a stupid idea.

"That's true!" Mr. Molina smiled at his onion. "Miss Weber helped me come up with the idea. She was so excited to explore the layers of onion skins in the microscope, I thought it would be fun to make an onion the reward. She's been the big winner each week."

I looked over to where Angela was sitting next to some boy who was playing with a cell phone. She pointed to the onion and gave me two thumbs up. The onion had a biggest fan.

Never mind, that onion was all Angela's.

Molina grabbed a piece of paper on his desk. "So where should we sit you?"

"I'll sit with Angela."

Molina looked in Angela's direction. "That won't work. Her lab partner is Mr. Cheney."

Angela had stopped looking at the onion and was staring at this Mr. Cheney. It was obsessive staring at the lab partner time. He was obsessively typing things into his phone. I bet he was playing MineCraft or some other shitty game. Good luck with that one, Angela.

The teacher muttered as he looked at his chart, "Mr. Newton could possibly—"

"Which one is Mr. Newton?"

Molina motioned to the pizza face of Mikey. "Over there."

Oh no.

"I don't think that—"

"Never mind. John sits there." Molina started penciling something on his paper.

This was good. No Mikey

Molina looked up with a smile. "You can sit with Mr. Cullen."

"Which one?"

"Edward, Miss Swan," he told me. "After Miss Weber, Mr. Cullen is my best student. He'll be able to help you with the class."

Oh hell no.

"I would have been valedictorian in Arizona. Trust me when I say that this class is going to be walk in the park," I informed him. Woody Woodpecker could teach me nothing. I already had a rotten personality that rivaled his. It would be an exercise in redundancy.

The biology teacher flipped on the fan next to his desk. "You two can just be better together."

The air hit me in face and whipped my hair around. It was on high.

"You know that it's freezing outside, right?"

Molina shrugged. "You'll be fine. It gets stuffy in here."

It was like the Arctic in here. That guy can stuff that yellow onion up his—

"To your seat, Miss Swan."

I shuffled to the lab table where the snotty Edward Cullen sat. I pulled out my seat and flopped down next to him. This class was going to my new nap time, but for now I wanted to observe my partner. I glanced over to see him glaring at me. This was going to be a real treat.

Don't get me wrong, Edward Cullen was sexy for someone who might have the plague. I might make fun of redheaded guys but it's all a ruse. They were my favorites. This one was no exception. There was, however, a serious issue that dimmed my interest in him. He was an ass. The single Cullen looked at me like I smelled.

I tried to discretely take a sniff of my sleeve. The smell was my breakfast of Toaster Strudels. It was like ambrosia of the gods.

Cullen's nostrils flared. He started sniffing like crazy. I watched as he threw his arm over his nose.

"Are you sick?" I asked.

The pale skin, the yellow eyes, and the sniffing problem that made him seem like he had a cocaine problem pointed to one thing. He had the bubonic plague.

Cullen just stared at me.

"Do you need to go to the nurse?" I scooted farther away.

More staring and nostril flaring from my lab partner. It was a highly uncomfortable situation. I hated being sick. Whatever that guy had, I sure didn't want it if I would look that awful when I was sick. He must be miserable.

"Would you like me to take you there?" I had heard through the Forks gossip squad that old Miss Simmons was the frightening sort that jammed thermometers in people's throats. Cullen might be afraid. I guess I could hold his hand to be nice. Miss Simmons might have some gloves and a surgical mask I could borrow. I would have to bathe in sanitizer.

Cullen sneered and his gold eyes went black. Seriously, no joke, his eyes turned the color of chimney soot. It was an odd thing to come into my head as a description,but we had just discussed it the colonials and their cooking processes in American History. The boring details are now etched in my brain forever.

If I believed in such things, I would think Cullen might be possessed by the devil. He was having a very _The Exorcist_ moment. Just in case, it might be better if Angela took him to the nurse.

"You might be better off getting some Tylenol. Making ugly faces at me won't make you feel any better, Woody."

"Woody?" he hissed. His eyes were fixed on mine and he licked his lips.

I'll admit it was kind of sexy mixed in with all the creepy.

"Woody Woodpecker. You have the same crazy hair," I explained. "The woodpecker and not Woody Harrelson that starred in _Cheers. _You're not that cool."

The licking stopped. His black eyes widened in a mix of shock and anger. He stood and slammed his hands on the desk before stomping out of the room. It seems Cullen is a snippy drama queen.

Molina didn't look up from the chalk board where he was drawing a diagram of the inner workings of a worm. "You need a hall pass, Mr. Cullen."

Mr. Cullen ignored him.

Mr. Molina continued drawing. It seemed a Cullen hissy fit was an ordinary occurrence.

This was going to be a long year. I wondered if I could transfer schools.

XXXXXX

Class was boring. A perfect place to take a siesta. Cullen was going to mess that up, so the only option was to get into the chemistry class. I could learn how to make explosions. It would make life in Forks far more exciting.

My mind was made up as I headed into the main office. It was the perfect solution to a bad situation. Unfortunately, my bad situation was standing at the front desk. My nemesis, Cullen was flirting with the ancient secretary.

"Come on now, Shelly. You could do this for me, couldn't you?" He asked. I watched as he brushed her hand with his.

It seemed Mr. Cullen was into May to December romances. He wanted himself a cougar that would be the same age as his grandmother. Shelly Cope fit the bill with her short blue hair that's permed curls rested tightly against her scalp. The kittens playing with yarn embroidered on her sweater was definitely a turn on for Cullen. I bet she knits him warm woolen hats to keep his beautiful red locks toasty.

"I would if I could, Edward dear." She reluctantly pulled her hand away. "There is nothing I can do. Principal Greene has put a lock on the schedules this year. There was too many schedule changes last year. Every time one of you children had a break-up. I would have the office full of children wanting new classes."

"Shelly, the girl is a distraction to my educational pursuits. I think she might be on drugs." He gave her a sexy smile. I wanted to punch that sexy smile off his face. "I'm sure there's some room in Chemistry."

Chemistry was mine. Cullen knew nothing about Chemistry. I was all about Chemistry.

I pushed him out of the way. "Mrs. Cope, hi! I'm Isabella Swan from this morning, remember? I need you to do me a big favor. I need to be in the chemistry class. I had Biology already in Arizona, so all of the course work is just too easy. I need challenges. I don't want to become valedictorian without doing the hard work to accomplish those goals."

I gave her my loveliest smile. It hurt my mouth. I'm not used to smiling.

"Chemistry is full," he informed me. If looks could kill, I would be full of butcher knives on the floor.

Mrs. Cope interrupted our glares, "Children, young love is hard. You can't run away from bad things. Talk things out. Chemistry is full and neither one of you will be attending that class this semester."

"You will pay for this!" Edward the Pissy exclaimed. He actually looked like he would murder his cougar love.

He turned on his heel and stomped out.

I shrugged at Mrs. Cope. "He's a cranky kid. Thanks anyway."

Cullen had his head against a locker. I think he was sniffing it.

"Yo Cullen, threatening the Maude to your Henry is really uncool," I told him. "You'll get no loving that way."

He turned and looked at me with those black eyes. "_Harold and Maude_? What kind of teenage girl watches movies from the seventies?"

"I'm an old soul in a hot bod, Cullen." I rubbed my neck. "Just cut out being an asshole to people. It's not flattering."

"Asshole?" He came over to me and got in my face. "I'm not safe. You need to be careful, little girl."

I felt his nose on my neck. He moved it up and down as he smelled me.

He pulled away and asked, "Scared?"

I put my hand in the air and made it shake. "So scary."

Cullen frowned and walked toward the door.

I looked down and realized I was actually shaking. I wasn't sure if it was fear or lust, but both options were terrifying.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hey there. **

Chapter 4

"Charlie, did you know that there is a family of serial killers living in Forks?" I plopped down on the faded floral couch that I think my mom picked out before she left my dad. I was still in diapers so it was just a memory as faded as the couch. Those images flickered in and out of my head through the years. The couch. Mom's old purple backpack that sat next to door stuffed with a few of our belongings, and the yelling still sometimes haunted my dreams and woke me up at night.

They might actually not be actual memories but my imagination. I have a vivid one created by years of watching television by myself while Mom was at work. _General Hospital_ taught me about sex. I was only ten and thought it was wrestling with kissing. Absolutely disgusting, but still better than episodes of _Sesame Street_.

Charlie was sitting on a ripped up black leather lazy boy recliner and drinking a beer as he watched the Mariners get their asses handed to them on the playing field. "Girl, I'm your father. What should you be calling me?"

"Charlie. Mom is Renee. It makes things simpler."

He arched a single eyebrow at me. "Okay then."

Unlike life with Mom, Charlie was easy. He never talked too much, got involved in my life, or tried to get me to eat some weird vegan mush filled with capers. That man loved meat and bad TV. We were a good pair.

"Let's talk the about the beautiful psychopaths with—"

"You like that purple bedspread? The salesgirl at Walmart helped me pick it out. Said it was cute." Dad stared at the screen as he completely changed the subject. Then he threw up both his hands. "Keep your eyes on the ball!"

"Charlie, they want me to sit with Edward in—"

"Edward Cullen? The gay one?" Charlie asked looking away for the game. "Good. That quarterback one looks like a pervert. That Emmett needs to stay away from my little girl."

"The fat one? Charlie, I'm not interested in dating these guys. Edward has some screws loose." I put my feet up on the couch.

"Get your feet off the couch until I put the plastic back on," Dad demanded. "It was like you were raised in a barn."

"Renee raised me so you know that could be completely possible. Let's get back to the Cullen family and their oddness." I absolutely did not remove my feet. That plastic was completely unnecessary and I would slid off of it. I should wrap his lazy boy in plastic wrap and see how he feels to make weird noises while trying to relax. It probably wouldn't bother him. He was used to make all kinds of unpleasant noises when relaxing.

"It's just gossip. There's nothing this town likes better than to tell tall tales about newcomers. I heard that you were a drug dealer who was making meth in our basement. I told old Gracie at the yarn shop that she was full of shit. Excuse me, kiddo, I mean poop." He drank a big gulp of beer. "Mrs. Stanley's dog disappeared and she tried to pin it on the Cullen boy with the curly girl hair. The story goes he was very interested in the rat looking thing and said it looked delicious. You know the curly one, right? The kid who dates the girl with short hair. Now that little girl is the nut in that family. I saw her dancing around the town square with no shoes on in the middle of winter. It was ridiculous."

Charlie was right on about the small girl. She seemed completely unhinged.

"But I am a meth dealer, Dad. Can you help me mix up some stash downstairs?"

My dad snorted. "Smart ass."

The gossip about The Cullens was rampant. It made perfect sense to be curious. They were aloof and acted better than everybody else in town. When you have no friends but your family, people will get curious. It's just human nature.

"There's something odd about them, Dad. There's something about that whole family that I can't put my finger on, but it makes me feel uncomfortable," I admitted. "They look at everyone in this town like they're something to eat. You have to see that too, Charlie."

Charlie snorted and gave me a grin. "You're watching too many of those horror movies, kiddo."

"Cannibals don't live only in the farthest reaches of the woods, Dad. You think you might just check them out?" My brain knew something wasn't right. There was something wrong with the Cullens.

"Bella, you worry too much. Enjoy your teenage years," Charlie stated. He turned his attention back to the television. "Everything will be fine."

I didn't believe that one little bit.

XXXXXX

Edward Cullen was missing for a whole two weeks. It was blissful and full of unsubstantiated gossip.

Jessica Stanley, the curly head, was certain he was sent to reform school where only hot boys attended. She was certain that it was due to him not being attracted to her beauty. I pointed out helpfully that it was due to her horrific personality that led Edward to flee.

Mikey the Pimple Face suggested that Edward couldn't handle not being paired off with a sibling. I suggested that he was jealous of the angry Victoria Secret model and the Jolly Green Giant. It was my opinion that Edward had a thing for Green Beans and giants in green sweaters. Pimple Face thought that this was hilarious and asked me to marry him. I said no.

Angela thought he was sent out of town for being a serial killer. While I was inclined to agree with her theory, it was my own fault that she came up with it. We had a sleepover and, instead of _Gilmore Girls_, I made her watch bad seventies horror movies. I also gave her wine coolers that I bought from the local gas station. It seems a fake ID that said I was a sixty year-old woman from Utah was acceptable in Forks. Who would have ever thought such a thing? Not me. It was a pleasant surprise.

My luck, however, did not hold out.

My table in Biology was once again infested by a handsome, cranky boy. It made me surly and I threw my backpack down on the floor in a huff as I sat next to him. Edward was smelling the air again. Instead of greeting Mr. Sniffy I picked out clay that was still stuck in my nails from art class.

He pushed his hand in front of my face.

"Please excuse my awful behavior when we first met. It was inexcusable."

"No." I kept picking my nails. That mess was stuck in deep.

Edward huffed. "You actually said no?"

"Yup." That stuff was stuck in deep. I needed a manicure set or a sharp knife to rip the junk out of my pinkie finger.

"You are ridiculous!" He hit the desk.

I grabbed the sharp edge of notebook paper but it didn't move the clay out one bit. The best idea is to keep picking at my nail and ignoring my lab partner. I didn't trust Edward enough to nap next to him.

Edward cleared his throat loudly. I turned to find his hand in my face again. "Let's start again. I'm Edward Cullen. It's nice to meet you."

"Isabella Swan. Call me Bella." I took his hand and felt a jolt go through my insides. Immediately, I dropped his hand. "What the hell was that?"

Edward looked at me. His freaky gold eyes wide. "I have no clue."

"You shocked me, dude! Did you purposefully rub you feet on the carpet?" I asked.

He looked offended. His pretty mouth twisted into a sneer. "I would never!"

"You seem the type."

"The type?" He now looked amused. I was now certain that Cullen was bipolar. "What type is that exactly?"

I pointed my pencil at him. "Sir, you are an assho—"

"Miss Swan, are you planning on beginning the assignment with Mr. Cullen?" Mr. Molina tapped the microscope in front of us.

Our banter had distracted us from the beginning of class.

Edward looked up at the teacher. "Identify the slides, José?"

If that jerk could call Molina by his first name then—

"Is this a timed exercise, José?" I asked.

"The first group to finish get the onion. Also, Miss Swan, it's Mr. Molina."

Damn it.

The teacher turned on his heel and left us to our work. I pulled the microscope in front of me and mumbled, "How is it that you can call Molina by his first name?"

"José considers me a peer." Edward had his smug face on. It was the expression that he wore when he wasn't looking pissy.

"A peer? Molina considers himself a stuck-up teenager too?"

Edward glared and tried to grab the microscope. "Let me do it. I'll be faster."

"No way! I've already done this assignment. I aced it." I pulled it back. We both grabbed the microscope and had a tug of war with it. Our fingers were touching and it felt like little lightening bolts were striking the inside of my skin.

"My handwriting is much neater," he hissed. "You paper looks like a toddler was using it to scribble on!"

I got in his face. "Your writing looks like an elderly woman wrote it with a feathered plume. Where's your powdered wig, Thomas Jefferson?"

That jerk had a perfect lips. I wanted to nibble them.

We stared at each other. He whispered, "You have the oddest brain that I have ever encountered in a child."

A child? Moment ruined.

Pulling away, I crossed my arms over my chest. "Go ahead and do the work."

Edward looked down at the desk. "Let's take turns."

"Fine."

Pretty boy better not screw up my average.

XXXXXX

We won the onion. I threw it up and down as I exited the classroom.

"Bella, don't break it!" Angela admonished me.

"You want it? I'll give it to you." The last thing I wanted was to lug this stupid thing around all day.

She frowned at me. "I'll win it next time fair and square."

"I want you to, Ang." I tried to give it to her. "Take it a little early."

Edward plucked it out of my hand. "I'll hold it for you."

"Cool," I told him.

Angela looked at us in shock and whispered, "He thinks you're cute."

Edward chuckled making me want to gag Angela.

"We need to get to lunch, Ang," I stated trying to flee from Cullen.

"Angela, could I possibly borrow Isabella for a moment? I need to speak to her about class." His voice was like silk, making Angela swoon.

"Okay!" Angela squeaked.

I was not a happy camper. "I'm too hungry to talk to you right now. I need a hot dog."

Edward's eyes glazed over for a brief moment. "Isabella—"

"It's Bella," I corrected him.

"I like Isabella. I'll be calling you that." He looked smug and I wanted to step on his toe. "Why are you here?"

"Because you won't let me get my lunch. I want to stick a long, thick hot dog down my throat."

Edward looked like he was going to pass out. It was hilarious.

"Isabella, please don't be crude." He was such an old man. "Why are you in Forks?"

I leaned against a locker. "None of your business, nosey."

He moved close to me. "I find you to be a puzzle. Are you close to your father?"

"He's okay."

"Your mother?"

"Is a scattered brained ninny. She married a clumsy minor league baseball player. He's really bad." I shrugged. "My parents are passing me around again like a wet rag that nobody really wants."

I couldn't believe I was telling him this much. I hated talking to people.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. His chest was against mine. "Truly I am."

"I'll be fine. I'm tough."

"Very tough." His head went into my neck. I felt his tongue against the skin. Nice. Edward's hand went against my heart. He was accidentally boob touching. "Your heart is beating so fast."

"I must be horny." I wasn't even giving him a hard time. That was one big turn-on.

Edward pulled away quickly. "We can't be friends!"

He ran down the hall as I watched in surprise.

The truth was now apparent. Edward Cullen was gay. He might need my help coming out of the closet.

Cool.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Hello, friends!**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 5

It was a dark and stormy night. One of those evenings that a person like me would let hot water pound over my body to try and warm my skin. It wasn't my brightest idea actually.

It was kind of creepy being in the shower on a night like this. Showers are in fact creepy places to be in on a dark evening. It would be like that scene in _Psycho_ where Janet Leigh was in the shower of Anthony Perkins's hotel. She was at her most vulnerable and exposed in there. Then here comes Perkins dressed like an old woman with a butcher's knife.

I rubbed in shampoo and tried to think about something other than my impending death by a cross-dresser with mommy issues. My mind wandered to Edward.

Not because I knew for certain that he wasn't a cross-dressing psychopath. I didn't know his mother. She could be a lovely woman with no issues to make Edward kill poor people needing to get clean. He could be cranky, but that doesn't make one a murderer.

What I did know for a fact was that Edward Cullen was suffering from pretending to be someone else. That poor guy need a friend that would let him be free to be himself. I knew what it was like to pretend. I put up so many walls up to pretend that Renee was always around and supportive. I was the one that took care of myself because, if I didn't, I would have starved to death. Renee was happy enough to eat my leftovers. We were not the idyllic family from _Leave it to Beaver_.

It was possible that Edward and I were kindred spirits.

I thought about ways I could help him. My only option was to drag him kicking and screaming out of the closet. I wonder if I should plaster his locker with _One Direction_ posters. It would show him that having a crush on Harry Styles was borderline acceptable. I was more of a Dave Grohl type gal, but different strokes for different folks.

There was a creak. My hair full of suds, I peeked out from the shower curtain.

Quietly, I called, "Charlie?"

Nothing.

"Charlie?" I tried again. The door of the bathroom was open.

Maybe I had left it open? Maybe I was going insane? Maybe there was a knife welding killer just outside the door.

I was being ridiculous.

Laughing at myself, I proceed to rinse off my hair.

There was another creak of the door.

Shutting off the water, I fumbled to get my towel. My brain was chanting little prayers the whole time that no one would be on the other side to pass me a towel or an ax would lop off my arm.

The door was closed when I exited the shower. It was possible I was going insane. I threw on my robe and trudged to my bedroom. There was no explaining the door situation. If Charlie didn't answer me then he must be downstairs. It was beer and sports time in front of the television. I could smell the buffalo wings as they were being overcooked in the toaster oven. Charlie liked them as tough as beef jerky. He would chew on them and wash down the deadly meat shards with Bud Light.

My room was freezing. The window was wide open. The wind was blowing the curtains up into the air. Rain was coming in the open window and making a wet puddle on the floor. There was no way I would have left it open on a night like this. Or open on any night actually. This town was freezing all year around.

Thunder rumbled and a bright flash of lightening lit up my room. I ran to the window and shut it, locking it for protection. The curtains I closed just in case there were prying eyes in the trees.

There was something rotten going on in Forks.

The Phil signed baseball bat sat against my wall. When he gave it to me as a birthday present, I thought it was the most ridiculous gift ever. The man couldn't hit a ball with a bat. Plenty of times, however, the baseballs struck him in the head. It explained so much.

Right now, that baseball bat was a godsend. I would have to write Phil a thank-you card. I grabbed it and headed to the closet.

"Get out, psycho!"

It only contained clothes and sneakers.

I looked under my bed and poked it with the bat. There were no vicious monsters residing under there.

I got dressed in a huff and headed downstairs. Charlie didn't look away from the TV. "Nice shower, kid?"

"I guess." I plopped down in the couch.

"You want some wings?" My dad waved one in the air that he had been gnawing on.

I shook my head. "I don't feel like getting dentures yet."

Charlie just chuckled and chugged down some beer to clear his throat of wing gristle.

"Charlie, did you come upstairs?"

He snorted. "Nope. I would miss some of the game if I did. I don't trust replays."

Maybe I was going crazy.

"A penny for your thoughts, kid." Charlie asked. He was actually paying attention to me. I can honestly admit that it felt pretty cool.

I didn't want him to think I was crazy, so I blurted out. "Edward Cullen is gay."

There was a crash outside the window that made me jump.

"Don't worry, Bells. It's just probably a limb coming down from the storm," Charlie explained. "What is this about Edward? Gay? Makes sense. Did he tell you that?"

"I figured it out," I explained. "The signs are all there. The clothes, the hair, and the complete disinterest in females are pretty telling signs."

"Life sure ain't easy for a queer in this town. Poor boy," my dad said sympathetically.

I sighed and debated giving Charlie a lecture on his use of terms. It would definitely fall on deaf ears. I explained instead, "I feel sorry that he needs to pretend to be somebody else."

"It's probably tough on the guy," Charlie said as he stroked his mustache. "The boy could use a friend that isn't a part of his family. You could try and do that."

"I guess." I shrugged. "I can be nice sometimes."

Charlie grinned, "My little grinch is growing a heart."

"Shut it, old man."

He only laughed harder.

"You know who might be a good fit for that boy?" Charlie's eyes were bright with mirth. "Mikey Newton is gay too, right?"

There was another crash outside that was even louder.

What a storm.

XXXXXXX

Edward Cullen refused to speak to me again. He stared at the front of the class with an angry look on his handsome face.

"You need drugs, Cullen," I told him. "The mood altering kind."

He didn't even glance in my direction.

"Do I smell bad? You haven't sniffed at me once," I pointed out.

Nothing. He just stared at Molina and twirled his pen.

I can't even try and be friendly to this guy.

"Edward, I'm not good with people. I should say sorry or something." At my words he glanced in my direction. "I understand what its like to be different."

"Hmm?"

I started to rip the edge of the paper in my notebook. "I mean I'm not cheerleader material."

"Those girls are insipid, Isabella. You are much better off not being like them."

"Right! I think that you need to embrace not being like these sheep too," I explained. "Embrace your urges."

"Isabella, you really don't want me to embrace my urges." His eyes were black again. Edward Cullen would never put our fellow students at ease with those dumb colored contacts.

I kept ripping my notebook. "Of course, I do. You'll be so much easier to deal with when not being an uptight prick. I had an ex-boyfriend that was like you. At least, I thought he was my boyfriend. I was really young so—

"I'm nothing like that child you were interested in." Edward looked even more pissed off.

"You are! Hiding your desires will just cripple you." I shook my head at him. "This could be your chance to find something meaningful."

"Or get instant gratification." He actually moved closer to me.

"Maybe not. How about Pimpl . . . Newton over there?"

Edward inched even closer. "What about him?"

"I think you have something in common." I decided to broach the subject gently. "He could be your match."

"Oh god." Edward placed his head on the table and mumbled into it, "You do know that you are the only thing that the measly human ever thinks about? That his pathetic flirting is a desperate cry for your attention."

Oh. Truthfully, I knew Pimply Mikey was besotted with me. I was just trying to push him off on Edward.

"I know Forks is backwards, Cullen, but you are just as human as all of these idiots." I took his hand in an attempt to be kind. He made me all tingly again. "You're being silly, Red."

Edward gripped my hand. His grip was like a vice. "I'm nothing like anyone in this school."

"I doubt you are the only one in this school that has unspoken cravings." He was too captivating and I didn't have a penis to get his attention. I needed to get away but his hold on my hand was too strong. "I think you need to embrace your homo—"

Edward face was instantly close to mine. "Miss Swan, I can assure you that I'm not a homosexual."

"There's nothing at all wrong with being gay, Edward."

"Isabella, you need to listen to me very carefully. I find myself wanting to consume you in more ways than I ever imagined. You need to tread very carefully around me." His nose brushed against mine.

The words escaped my lips before I could stop them, "You want to consume my boobs?"

Those black eyes of Edward widened and he dropped my hand. In a flash, he was in the front of the classroom. "I'm going to the lavatory, José."

He walked out as Molina yelled at him, "You forgot the hall pass!"

I touched the tip of my nose where we touched. It sizzled.

He wanted to consume me in different ways? What?

XXXXXX

"Alice Cullen told me that I wasn't allowed to be your friend anymore," Angela announced sadly.

The final school bell had rung and we were out in the parking lot. Happy classmates were running to their cars to escape this educational hell. Once again, there was a light amount of rain falling making the road a slippery mess.

"What the hell is her problem?" I looked over to where she hung-out with her siblings in their special parking area. Edward stared at me while he talked to Jasper. I rolled my eyes at him.

Angela played with the zipper of her jacket. "She said you were meant to be her best friend. I mean, you can be her friend instead of me. Alice is so fashionable and—"

That Cullen Crazy's squealing could be heard all over the parking lot.

"That girl is a maniac who is stuck in that whole steampunk nonsense." I linked my arms with Angela. "We are a joint pair, Angela. She'll have to be nice to you or she gets no chance with me."

Truthfully, I doubted I would ever give that nut a chance. That type liked to play dress-up with human dolls. They were the worst. Maybe I should buy her a Barbie to play with and she can leave normal people alone.

The crazy squealing immediately halted.

"Why did Edward leave class? Was he sick?"

"Nope. I offended him by telling him that I thought he was gay," I explained.

Angela gasped. "You did?"

"I was trying to be his friend. Except for you, I'm rotten at being somebody's buddy." I sighed and looked at the sky. Always overcast. "I guess I was wrong, but you can't blame me for thinking it. Edward would make an exceptional homosexual."

Alice's previous squeals were replaced by the giant Emmett cackling. His voice made our fellow classmates turn in his direction. Edward slammed his hand on the red BMW. Rosalie began to hit him with her purse.

"Edward's pretty enough to be. Momma wants to give him an intervention. I told her that he's already found Jesus. That should hold her off from bothering him." Angela glanced at her watch. "I have bible study."

"Sneak out and some watch Gilmore Girls with me later," I suggested.

She laughed. "You're an awful influence! I'm in."

I gave her a fist pump then headed to my truck. The rest of the day would be sitting in front of the television and eating chips. That was until the pimp mobile started to barrel toward me.

They say life flashes before your eyes before you die. Unfortunately, the lives of reality TV characters was what my brain wanted to revisit. There was flipping tables and hair pulling. As my impending death came closer and closer, there was a sad realization that came over me.

My life wasn't interesting enough to warrant a life event replay.

There was a crunch and I found myself cradled in Edward's arms. There was a dent in the passenger door that was made by Edward's hand.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

I was breathless. It could have been due to being in his arms or my near death experience. It was most likely due to a mixture of both.

My answer was a quiet, "Yeah."

"Why did I save you?" He asked this more to himself than directed to me. His face was twisting into a series of annoyed expressions that made me feel rotten.

I was dropped to the ground and Edward seemed to vanish in thin air. "What the hell?"

That kid drove me insane.

Before I could try searching for him, I was surrounded by nosy classmates. They were looking for blood and carnage. The only thing that appeared amiss was the large dent in Tyler's van. My body was only a little sore. I'm guessing from Edward shoving me to the ground before running away. My Prince Charming was an asshole.

"Don't get up, Bella!" Angela directed. "An ambulance is on the way."

"Angela, I'm okay. I promise." My head was pounding. Perhaps I could use some Advil after all.

Jessica peered from behind Eric. She asked loudly, "Are you dead?"

"Sure, Stanley, I'm a talking zombie," I testily told her. "Your voice sounds like the horn of a tractor trailer. Please shut up."

Mike was weeping and staring at me. "My Bella."

Oh god.

Tyler stumbled out of the van. I wasn't sure if it was from the accident or his water bottle filled with booze. There was a large gash on his forehead that blood was gushing out of. He collapsed on top of me. His blood dripping onto my jacket. Tyler would be buying me a new, very expensive coat.

"I'm so sorry, girl! There was a squirrel on the road." There wasn't a squirrel, unless the drunk thought I had a bushy tail. He hugged me to his chest. He reeked of cheap whisky. "I'll make things right. We can get married!"

It wasn't like he knocked me up.

"Get off, Tyler!" I pushed him away.

The ambulance and several police cars flew into the parking lot. I noticed that as the crowd parted to let them through, Emmett was pulling that Jasper kid away. Jasper looked absolutely rabid. Most would find him frightening, but I found myself laughing. Nothing says terrifying like a pair of nicely pressed jeans and a plaid dress shirt that was buttoned up all the way to the top. I wondered what got his tight whites in a bunch. He must have a fondness for Tyler's now crushed pimp mobile.

Rosalie was looking pissed off, which was normal.

It was Alice that made me nervous. She looked far too happy at my near demise. The girl was vibrating with excitement.

Edward, my reluctant hero, was no where to be found. I guess he wasn't too happy that he let me live. Screw trying to be friends with that guy. There was no way I could win with him.

I realized in that moment it wasn't the accident that made my head pound. It was Edward, he was the mystery that needed to be solved. I would get no relief until I figured him out.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Hi.**

Chapter 6

The smell of the cleaning supplies used in hospitals made me want to puke. The sight of Tyler's blood on my shirt made me want to faint. It had to be the shock that led me to not fainting in the first place. Blood needs to stay nicely tucked away in our bodies. It's happier there.

I was not in a good place as I sat on the uncomfortable bed in the emergency room. It was all hard and the sheets felt rough like sandpaper. This bedding certainly wouldn't help people feel any better. The only result of choosing this type of linen was so it would to cause paper cuts. Paper cuts that would make patients stay longer. This hospital was a money making machine of illness and death.

Of course, it could be all the close contact with germ carriers. They say that hospitals can in fact make people sicker. I felt the plague coming on.

"Bella. I'm so sorry!" Tyler pulled the curtain that separated us back so I had to look at his annoying face. "How can I make it up to you? I know! I'll take you to prom!"

"I see you've downgraded from marriage." I put my head back onto the pillow. My poor pounding head was getting worse from Tyler's nasally voice .This whole hospital was empty so there was no reason for me to be stuck in a room with the poster boy for drunk driving.

"Is your mom hot, Bella? My mom is turning into a beast like Grandma. It's all genetics and some shit. I think you're pretty hot now. I mean if you like stay that way, I could bite the bullet and get hitched. I mean we would have to wait until after graduation next year and—"

"There is no way that will _ever_ happen," I informed him.

He wasn't listening. "I mean we'll have to see if we're sexually compatible first. I mean the back of my van is off-limits but we could use the back of my dad's pick-up truck. There's a tarp."

I threw a tiny box of tissues at his head. "Shut up!"

There was no way that I had to be stuck in this hospital for over three hours being tormented by an idiot. I bet if they tested Tyler's blood alcohol level right now, it would be in the negative levels. No nurses had even checked on us. I could hear them giggling in the hallways. Their ugly white sneakers clomping on the linoleum floors. This place was a lawsuit waiting to happen.

I was about to leave, even with my brain cracking in half, when a man in a lab coat strolled in. Strolled is the appropriate term,because he was in no rush and didn't look like he had a care in the world.

"How is our patient doing?" He said in a voice as smooth as honey. Actually, honey is sticky. His pompous British accent was sticking to me.

"Have you been insanely busy, Doc?" I inquired. "Emergency brain surgery, perhaps? Did you have to give someone a heart transplant?"

"No, Miss Swan, I was working on some paperwork," he informed me with an obnoxious smile.

That DILF shouldn't be a doctor. He didn't look much older than Edward. All he was good for was a potential career as a hair model. Those were some seriously wavy blond locks.

I glared at his creepily caring smile. "Then you should have been in this room three hours ago, you quack. Have you even finished medical school yet?"

Tyler peeked at me. "You might be too mean to marry. Prom it is."

"You have a scalpel I can use on Tyler, Doc? I think his tongue is broken. We need to amputate it."

The Dr. DILF chuckled quietly. He took out his penlight and held it to my eyes. His hand was on the back on my head. "Let's make sure you don't have a concussion, young lady."

I wasn't sure if it was his chilly hand that made the back of my head feel like it was being pierced by icicles or it was the way his eyes were the exact shade of pee yellow like Edward's, but I was all of a sudden intrigued by the DILF.

Okay. His eyes were more of an amber without the dead insects stuck in it. Waiting in this hellhole of a healing facility has made me cranky.

"How's my kid?" Charlie announced as he entered at the room. The distraction let me move away from Dr. DILF's icy fingers.

"I've been wasting away here for a million years, Charlie. Where have you been?" I questioned him.

Dad sat at the end of the hospital bed. He patted my leg. "Jim told me that you were going to be okay. Decided to check-out the scene of the crime."

"I'm so sorry, Chief Swan! I'll make it up to you both! The road was slippy because of—"

My dad cut Tyler off by making his hand look like a gun. "Son, I suggest you just shut the hell up right now. I'll deal with you later."

He closed the curtain between the beds.

"I'll help you hide the body, Pop," I helpfully suggested.

"Shut it, kid." He turned to the Dr. DILF. "Is she going to be okay?"

Dr. DILF smiled like a crocodile about to eat his prey. That man was creeptastic. "I think we need to keep her here for observa—"

Oh hell no.

"I need some Advil. I don't need a medical degree to tell you that. I think you need a refresher course, Doc." I swung my feet over the bed. "Quick question, does Jessica Stanley visit the E.R a lot?"

"Yes, why do you ask?" Dr. DILF looked confused.

I tried to mimic his creepy smile. "She's trying to get into your pants. Stop billing her insurance company and just send her crazy home. This is me helping you learn to be a doctor. You're welcome."

The best way to get out of here was to annoy the shit out of them. Dr. DILF looked a little frightened by me.

"Kid, don't be crude." Dad's mustache was twitching. He was trying not to laugh.

"Charlie, does she like to come into the station about stolen purses? Like all the time?" This was going to make today a little brighter.

"Yeah."

I patted his hand. "She likes men with mustaches, Charlie. Sketches them in her notebook. I think it's Burt Reynolds fetish. Is Jessica going to be my new mommy?"

"Aww shit." My dad hopped off the bed. "Let's get this kid some pills and I'll take her home. I need to call the Stanley's about their girl. Damn it."

"You're quite precocious, Isabella," Dr. DILF stated. He rubbed his chin. "I can see why Edward finds you intriguing."

"Edward probably finds stamp collecting intriguing." This made Dr. DILF chuckle. "Let's talk about that boy's muscles. Did you know that he can dent—"

There was a crash outside of the room. Dr. DILF's eyes widened and he quickly announced, "I must be going. I'll send Marjorie in with some pain medication and have the paperwork ready for your father to get you home."

Home was finally in my sights thanks to clumsy nurses. Hallelujah.

XXXXXX

It was two hours later, and I was wandering around the hospital looking for a vending machine full of junk food. Poor Charlie was searching for a nurse and I went to the closet where they held all the pills to get my own medication. It wasn't even locked. This place was a lawsuit waiting to happen.

"That cart was full of valuable medical supplies, Edward! You destroyed them all!" Dr. DILF complained.

The handsome boy snarked, "Take it out of my allowance, Father."

I peeked around the corner to find Edward, Dr. DILF, and the vile Rosalie fighting in the hallway in front of the vending machine of my dreams. This girl needed a chocolate bar right this very minute.

"You should have let the boy crush her to death," Rosalie told Edward angrily. "She's a problem."

Not liking someone was fine. I hated most people, but wanting them dead was insane.

"Hello there. How's it going?" I came around the corner. "Plotting evil deeds, Cullens?"

"Miss Swan, you should be home resting!" Dr. DILF had the audacity to shake a finger at me.

I shrugged. "Talk to your nurses. They disappeared again and I'm hungry. You need to run a tighter ship here, Doc."

"You are a nuisance, girl. You talk to Carlisle with respect!" Rosalie hissed.

"I've missed you too, Rosie. You wanna come over? We can brush each other's hair, read _Seventeen_, and practice kissing each other. I hear it's almost like kissing a real boy."

Rosalie's face turned murderous. "Watch your back, child!"

She stomped down the hallway. Dr. DILF turned to me. "Isabella, please take better care of yourself. Rosalie doesn't handle teasing well."

"I can see that. I would apologize, but she wants me dead so—"

Dr. DILF shook his head frantically. "Of course not, dear! Where would you get such an idea?"

"She said it. You aren't practically quiet out here."

"Father, go check on Isabella's paperwork. I'll talk to her," Edward instructed. Dr. DILF hurried away and Edward grabbed my arm. "I need you to forget everything you've seen and heard about my family."

"Nope."

"Isabella, it's dangerous if you don't!" His body was close to mine and my back was against the vending machine.

I moved my head closer to his. "I laugh in the face of danger."

"You're crazy." There was a hint of a smile on his face.

"The bat shit variety, sir." I bit my lip. He sighed and we were nose to nose.

"I can't be your friend."

My answer came out with no hesitation. "Good luck with that, buddy boy."

He licked his lips. I think he wanted to kiss me. I reacted with panic. I pushed him away. "I need chocolate."

Edward pulled out money from his pocket. "What do you want?"

"I can pay for a damn chocolate bar, Edward. I'm not destitute."

"Your father makes a pittance. You're practically a pauper." He grabbed the dollar I held out and shoved it into the back pocket of my jeans. "Stop being stubborn."

"You just want to touch my ass, hot stuff," I informed him.

His hand didn't move. Those weird eyes of his got dark. I wanted to kiss this scary, handsome boy.

"Hey Romeo, get off of Juliet's butt. That ain't a good thing for a dad to see," Charlie said. He pointed his gun finger at Edward's head and pretended to shoot.

Edward moved away quickly and shoved money in my hand. "Get your candy."

My eyes widened and I clutched the bill in my hand. Whoa.

"I wish that boy was still gay," Charlie said.

Not me. Not even a little bit


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Howdy. **

Chapter 7

I had barely gotten to sleep when a cool breeze woke me. The whole night was me tossing and turning in anger. My mind was racing with thoughts of Edward Cullen and his mercurial moods. I couldn't even figure out my own constantly changing views thanks to him. The last boy on earth I would ever want to be obsessed with was now the only one I could think of. It wasn't only because he and that family of his were the weirdest people I had ever met. I was attracted to the guy who I thought I hated.

I actually _was_ a hormonal and confused teenager. It was the worst news in the world.

It was blessing that I finally found some rest and now I was cold. It was completely ridiculous that the window was open in this frigid town and—

I never opened the window. My father had been loudly snoring all night. Charlie sounded like a rusty chainsaw trying to cut through steel. It was a terrible racket.

Jumping out of bed, I yelled, "I have a shotgun, stalker!"

There was shriek and the sound of limbs crashing and leaves rustling. I rushed to the window and stared at the ground and found only a pile of pieces of the tree.

What the fu—

"Bella, you okay?" Charlie's head peeked into the doorway. "Why the hell do you have the window open? It's the damn tundra out there."

I shut the window closed so hard that it was a miracle that the glass didn't shatter.

"I woke up and it was open." I leaned against the frame with my arms crossed. "You were too busy snoring to do it. There seems we have a mystery afoot, Scooby Doo."

Charlie looked contemplative. "What the hell is going around in this town? There are missing hikers and now my kid thinks we have a ghost—"

"Old timer, I never said I thought it was a ghost. Though let's not rule it out." I glanced back at the closed window. "Seriously, what the fuck is going on in this hellhole?"

"Kid, you have the mouth of a truck driver."

"I learned it from you," I pointed out. "Charlie, you have the language skills of drunken sailor."

He shrugged and grinned. "That I do. I guess you take after you old dad."

"I guess I do." I moved away from the window to sit on my bed in all it's girly purple sat next to me. "Let's get back to the issue of the case of the open window."

"Are you sure you didn't open it up and forget? I do that sometimes. I was sound asleep in my bed and I woke up in the middle of the night a week ago with a beer clutched in my hand," he told me.

Sleepwalking and beer seemed natural where Charlie was concerned.

"Maybe but—"

Charlie patted my hand. "I have a crappy Christmas bell that was your mother's. I'll put it on you windowsill and we'll figure this out."

Sure. When the rusty tiny bell that she got from Santa Claus rings and the psycho killer gets me, we might have our answer.

Ghosts were still a possibility. They would be the best possible answer. I've always wanted a pet.

XXXXXX

The wheels on the bus took us to Old McDonald's Farm on field trip day. There was excited twittering by my fellow students. Molina was wearing a pair of overalls and a rain poncho. He clapped his hands happily. "If you kids behave nicely, I bet they'll let you each take home some sprouts."

My classmates were thrilled by the sprouts and visiting livestock. We had devolved into preschoolers after a thirty minute ride.

The dirty yellow school bus smelled like flatulent boys and my head was sticking out of the window when we pulled up the farm's greenhouses. Angela was passed out from the smell beside me. Grabbing her barely conscious form, I dragged her into the fresh air. She took a deep breath and gasped, "That's what toxic waste smells like!"

She was completely correct and I was so happy to escape that tin prison until Mike jumped in front of me.

There was a pulsating volcano waiting to erupt on his face. The puss filled bump was the size of a nickel and surrounded by angry red irritation. I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

"I told Tyler that there was no fucking way that you would let him take you to prom." The pimple told me. I mean Mike. "I'm completely available to take you."

"No."

I waited for that thing to burst and get face mucus on me. My brain filled with different ways to cause his demise if that occurred.

"Come on, Bella! Every girl likes to get all pretty and go to a dance. I'll even get us a hotel ro—"

"No." The unwanted images of sexual relations with Mike were more disgusting than his massive pimple.

Mike swung an arm over my shoulder. "Come on, girl. We can do a little bump and grind on the dance floor."

This was all my worst nightmares coming to fruition.

"Kids, everybody in to the greenhouses! We need to talk about composting and photosynthesis." Mr. Molina was bouncing on his heels in his need to fill our brains with the magic of plant life. I had a different need. It was called a place to hide so I could take a nap.

Jessica was glaring at me. I was struck by an idea.

"Michael, you should take Jessica. She's the only chance you have to get laid," I pointed out. "I will _never_ have sex with you."

This would save my father and Dr. DILF from having her badger them to take her.

He thought about it for a bit. "I wouldn't have to get a hotel room. I hear she likes backseats."

"At least take an SUV with a roomy trunk," I helpfully added. "It's more romantic that way."

I felt a little like cupid. A devious and mean cupid, but I still was helping making a lust connection for horny teenagers.

Mike took my hand. "Thanks for the suggestion, Bella. I always thought that maybe Jess and I had some sizzle."

Gross.

"Drop her hand, Newton," Edward pulled Mike's hand from mine, making Mike squeal in pain. My cranky crush looked absolutely feral. He took my arm and pulled me to a chicken coop. "We need to talk."

"Well fiddle-dee-dee, Mr. Cullen. You make me absolutely feel faint by the barbaric way you pull me like beast. What a way you have with the fairer sex! You make me all swoony at the completely ungentlemanly way you just acted. Want to ravage me by the pigs, big boy? You seem to have some things in common. Never mind, they seem sweeter than you."

"He was touching you." His face was still furious.

I looked down at his hand squeezing my arm. A rooster who must be extremely confused crowed. "You seem to be touching me too."

My arm was dropped and he squeezed the bridge of his nose. "We can't be friends. I'm not good for you."

"Cool."

"What?" He seemed sad. "You're accepting it that easy?"

"I'm not going to beg," I informed him. The chickens seemed to be cowering at the back of the fence that surrounded their home. A little mutt looked at Edward and howled. It ran off with his tail between his legs. Interesting. "I'm too good for that nonsense."

"Oh."

I felt compelled to make him feel as confused as I felt. You could say that the devil made me do it.

I leaned in rubbed my nose against in. He gasped and those long eyelashes fluttered.

"What was that?" He didn't move his nose from mine. They remained touching.

"That's what the Eskimos call kissing, I've heard." I rubbed it slowly against his again. "That is the kind of greeting you'll be missing."

I moved away and Edward tried to move back in. I turned my back on him and saw our witnesses. Alice, the crazy sister and her stone face beau were staring at us. The sister was happy bouncing and Jasper was glaring at me like he wanted to rip off my head.

I waved at him and called, "Hey there , psycho killer! Much too busy to be murdered today."

"Bella, you have a great nose," Edward said as I turned to face him.

"I have even better lips."


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Yo. What's up?**

Chapter 8

"They want to go dress shopping. I imagine Jessica going for the slutty sequins and Angela will be sporting colonial chic. A mixture of high collar and lace with a little bit of ankle showing to make Benjamin look up from playing Minecraft for a second. I doubt they'll let Ang go get a dress." I informed Charlie as I watched him chow down on a bloody steak. It dripped down his chin. I tossed a napkin at him. "You look like a vampire."

We were at weekly dinner outing at The Forks Diner. It was a shoddy little place with worn, stained booths and peeling wallpaper that was illustrated with dancing salt and pepper shakers. Cora, with her beehive hairdo and tight pink uniform, was chewing a toothpick and staring my father like he was a dream come true. It hit me, if Charlie wanted, he could be the ultimate player in this town. It was nasty and awesome all wrapped up together.

"I guess you want to go to Port Angeles too." He chuckled and wiped his face. "I thought you didn't do dances."

"I don't. Angela needs a cover and I told her to tell them that you won't let me go to school functions without her." I looked over to where Angela and her family were sitting. The Stepford family were praying over a plate of french fries. The little boy Webers had discreetly slipped the salt and pepper shakers under the table and were rigging them to dump spices all over their parents' food. Those twins were kind of evil. It was fantastic. I hoped that Angela would allow me to teach them more tricks.

Angela looked up from prayer and gave me the saddest face. The poor girl was probably starving and this was their fifth prayer.

"Look at that poor girl, Charlie. She did two book reports for Molina. A real one about evolution and a fake one for her dad to read about creationism. Angela is the best student in the class and she can't enjoy it," I explained. "It's pretty damn unfair."

"Damn straight it is," Charlie agreed. "I'm proud of my little Grinch. Let's help give this young lady a good dinner. Come on."

Charlie stood and motioned for me to follow him. We headed over to the Weber family's table. Angela smile was so big that I thought her head was going to split in half.

"John and Agnes, good to see you here. I just want to come over here to thank you for letting Angela go to the dance with Bella. She's new here and your daughter is such a good girl. I'm glad that they've become friends." My father was being completely charming.

I just gave my best fake smile.

"Angela asked us if it would be okay if she could go, Charles. Agnes and I have some concerns about this event. They'll be playing unholy music that I feel strongly uncomfortable with." Angela's father pushed his thick glasses up his nose. Angela looked like him with her dark hair and eyes, but there was a hardness to his face that I hoped Angela would never develop.

Charlie nodded like he completely understood where Angela's father was coming from. It was such bullshit, because Charlie listened to ACDC. "I completely understand, but I can assure you that I'll be chaperoning and making sure the music is appropriate."

Angela's mother looked at my dad with wide-eyed admiration. She twirled her pearl necklace with her hand. "Charles Swan, you are a good and godly man. I think we should let Angela go with Bella, John. They are both sweet angels from heaven."

I let out a snort. I tried to cover it by saying, "I think I might be getting a cold."

"I was also hoping if Angela can escort Bella to that religious store in Port Angeles on Friday to get some books on living a faithful life." Charlie was the best liar I had ever seen. It was amazing. "She's never been there and—"

"Of course! I'll have Angela pick-up some new materials for my sermons," Reverend Weber announced. "We should give God a little prayer to thank him for this opportunity to get more tomes that spread his word.

Angela's stomach rumbled loudly.

I had to get that girl fed. "Reverend, could Angela eat with us? I had some questions about our math homework."

"Certainly! Charles, make sure she prays," Angela's father instructed us solemnly.

Charlie agreed and as we sat back at our table. He mumbled, "Thanks for the grub. Amen and all that shit."

Angela cried, "Thank god for hamburgers."

She started eating with gusto. I glanced at the window and saw three faces up against the glass. Weird Alice, that ginormous Emmett, and the confusing Edward were staring at me. They were as still as statues.

"Do the Cullens always stare into restaurants like sad, pauper children?" I asked.

"I've never seen them in here before," Angela answered.

Charlie shrugged. "Rumor has it that they have a special diet."

"Emmett looks like his diet is a herd of bison." I held up a roll to the window and pointed at it. "Should I bring them some bread?"

Emmett started laughing, as I blew Edward a kiss.

Edward wrinkled his nose and stormed off. Alice and Emmett continued laughing.

"You tease that poor boy, Bella," Charlie half-heartedly admonished. He was too busy enjoying his steak.

"I do. It sure is a lot of fun."

There was a yell and Reverend Weber shouted, "The salt shaker has destroyed my food!"

The little Weber boys laughed hysterically. Those kids are awesome.

XXXXXX

Shopping with Jessica Stanley was a fate worse than death. She was a terror in formalwear. Every dress that the girl tried on could barely contain her giant breasts. Those things could be considered flotation devices. Poor Angela was being stuffed into some beauty pageant gown knock-off monstrosities. I thought I could handle it until Jessica had tried to force me into a cotton candy pink puff covered in rhinestones. A girl can only take so much.

I ran out with an excuse that I needed a coffee. What I really needed was to never be near prom dresses ever again.

That led me here to this creepy, little bookshop covered in dusty bookshelves and dirty windows. There were spiderwebs draping every nook and cranny of the place. The owner was a crusty, old man with wizened features and wisps of fluffy hair on his shiny scalp. "You interested in vampire lore, young lady?"

"It seems like a creepy read," I answered as I gave him my money. The book smelled slightly of mold and the dust that covered it was caking my fingers.

He smiled a toothless grin and gave me my change. "Be careful out there. Unpleasant things come out in the dark."

"Then they should be scared of me."

Nasty old man trying to scare young girls wasn't cool. I wasn't scared of the dark in the least.

I exited the shop and headed out into darkened streets. Most of the streetlights were broken and my shadow on the road looked pretty cool stretched out behind me. The quiet was comfortable and I wasn't looking forward to dealing with Jessica.

A trash can fell in the alleyway that I passed. It clanged on the pavement. There was laughter and I turned around to find five skinny guys in hockey jerseys approaching me.

"Hey baby," The one with the backwards baseball cap said. The amount of acne on his face made Newton look like he had porcelain skin.

"Do I look like an infant, dumb ass?" That guy had a death wish.

"She's a feisty one, Lonnie!" A kid with braces exclaimed. There was food stuck in it. "You got a boyfriend?"

"I have a baseball bat that I would be happy to bludgeon you with." I started to walk away.

The group of losers circled around me. The creep called Lonnie said, "Don't go away, baby. We want to take you on a date."

They were messing with the wrong girl. I reached into my backpack with a smile. I felt like one of those guys from a seventies revenge movie. My inner Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson was ready to come out to play.

A silver Volvo zoomed toward us and skidded to a stop. Another damn car almost killing me again.

Edward jumped out of the front seat and barked, "Get in the car, Bella!"

Oh god, Prince Cranky Pants was saving my damsel in distress.

"I got this, Cullen." He was ruining all my fun.

Edward stepped in front of me. "Bella, I need you to _get_ in the car! You children need to flee before I get angrier."

A boy with glasses started laughing. "The gay kid is so scary. You gonna kiss us until we cry?"

I was so done with this. I pulled out the little pistol that Charlie gave me and moved in front of Edward. I pointed it at Lonnie's crater face. "I hate sexually harassing bigots. I think it's time to pray to Jesus."

"Bella! Put that away!" Edward squealed.

"Nah. I'm going to shoot them first," I informed Edward. "My dad is the Chief of Police in Forks. I'll never get convicted. They'll probably give me the key to the city for saving my boyfriend here."

"Boyfriend?" Edward asked in shock.

"Please don't kill me, Miss!" One of the boys cried. Lonnie peed his pants.

"You better fucking run," I informed them and they scattered like a bunch of scaredy cats.

I was flipped over Edward's shoulder and he hissed, "You're getting in the car _now_."

"You're touching my ass, Mr. Cullen." I started laughing. Scaring bullies made me giddy.

Edward hit it gently. "Be good."

He tossed me into the car and buckled my seatbelt. His face was close to mine. "You have a death wish."

"I am scared of nothing. People should be scared of me, Edward."

"Boyfriend?"

"It was a slip of the tongue, Edward. You're a boy and my friend no matter if you want to or not," I informed him. I added a lip lick for good measure.

"We need to tell Angela and Stanley that I'm taking you to dinner. You look hungry" he stated. I was hungry for some Cullen.

He knew I was with Angela and Jessica?

"Aren't you the sexy little stalker?" I stared into his dark eyes. "You've been following me."

"Maybe."

He rubbed his nose against mine.

Oh. I'll be damned.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Today is my birthday and I'm giving you the present. **

Chapter 9

"You could have been hurt, Bella!" Angela was in a full blown worrywart mode.

Jessica, who was nibbling on a hangnail, added, "I told her I thought you were probably dead."

The bubble brain let out a disappointed sounding sigh. It would probably be best never to leave an unopened drink around her. Jessica would poison me just to get attention from my dad.

"That's a lovely thought, Stanley. I see it didn't hamper your appetite in the least," I pointed out. Jessica was holding a doggie bag from the Italian restaurant that they were standing in front of.

"I was hungry and Angela was going on and on about you being in trouble. I needed to stuff her face with tortellini to get her to shut up." Jessica cocked her head to the side and gave me a critical look. "It seems you aren't worse for wear."

"Ladies, is it possible for me to take Bella home? Since she missed enjoying your company for dinner, I really think she should eat something," Edward announced as he joined us. I had jumped out of the car and told him to wait as I talked to the girls. Of course, he never listens due to being a condescending know-it-all. Thank god, he was pretty.

Jessica's mouth dropped open as she took in the sight of him. Edward was trying to give his most charming smile. Unfortunately, Edward was unused to facial expressions of that sort so it came out more as a sneer or a grimace.

Angela was happy bouncing

"Oh my god, you two were having sex!" Jessica screamed. It echoed through the streets.

It would be really cool if Charlie would let me shoot her. No court would ever convict me.

"I can't read your mind, but I can see it all over your face. Keep that gun in your bag," Edward hissed in my ear.

Buzz kill.

I put my arm around Edward's waist and gave Jessica my biggest fake smile. "He was incredible, Jess. This boy is double jointed. Double jointed everywhere."

Angela saw right through me. Her arm went over her mouth to stifle her laughter.

"Isabella is such a kidder." Edward moved away from me with a glare. "We just ran into each other at a bookstore. Once she starts talking—"

"She'll mock you unmercifully," I finished for him.

"You can tell that Bella likes you a lot." Jessica stroked his arm. "I think it's adorable."

Edward pulled away. His nose was wrinkled up with disgust.

"Just like the adorable way that you want to get horizontal with our dads, Jessica?" I gave her two thumbs up. "I guess Chief Mustache and Dr. DILF are super choices. Should I call you Mommy or should Edward call you that?"

"That's what you call Carlisle?" Edward asked in shock. "Why in the world would you do that?"

"It's funny." My goal was to get Edward to laugh and not one of those fake ones he usually does. It just makes him look like he's choking.

Angela grabbed Jessica's arm. She gave me a wink. "Let's let these two get some dinner."

"But—" Jessica was pulled away before she could finish her original statement. However, as Angela pushed her toward the tiny KIA, I heard Jessica whine, "Do you think they at least got to second base?"

Edward motioned to the front door. "It seems this place was named for you."

"Beautiful Italian? I'm a mutt with no Italian in me. Don't be cheesy, Cullen."

It was Bella Italia. There was opera music being played loudly on the speakers that looked like rocks. I bet the pasta sauce was jarred Ragu or Prego. I didn't mind a bit. I was starving.

"I was trying to be nice," Edward grumbled as he held open the door.

"Thank you, Edward." I tried to be kind. "Bella is a name I once thought I couldn't live up to."

He stared at me for a moment as we hovered in the doorway. Bodies close and I tried to stop my heart from speeding up. Quietly, he stated, "But now you realize that you are in fact beautiful."

"Oh hell no, dear boy." I moved inside the warm restaurant. "Bella in latin means war. It's far more fitting when describing me."

"You're smarter than I ever imagined." Edward seemed amazed at this fact.

I patted his chilly cheek. "I'm smarter than you, buckaroo."

He seemed to soften a bit and quietly said, "Maybe so."

"How many in your party?" The hostess asked. Her shirt was pulled down low and her skirt was tight. The rotting floral aroma of her perfume was already ruining my appetite. "Are your parents going to join you and your sister?"

Those boobs of hers were pushed out even more. I was convinced they were full of saline. She was the type that would let me touch them if I asked. It would be fun to see if I could bounce a quarter off of them.

"My date and I need a table for two," Edward haughtily corrected her. He looked at her like she was a pile of dog excrement that he accidentally stepped in.

"Oh." The crestfallen hostess quickly grabbed two menus and led us to a table in the middle of the restaurant. "Can I take your drink order?"

"A vodka on the rocks with a twist of lime," I answered."

Edward's eyes narrowed like a cat's. "We'll both have Cokes."

"Add rum to mine."

"Bella!" It was fun embarrassing him.

"Lady, you dodged the bullet with this one," I told the confused looking woman. "He's so bossy. I'll also take the mushroom ravioli. I need to order quickly because this guy will make me get the veal. He's a monster wanting me to nibble on baby cows."

Edward rubbed his temple. "She's kidding."

"Can I get you something to eat, sir?" The poor woman asked. Now that she wasn't trying to flash Edward, we should leave her a big tip.

"I'm not hungry." Edward played with the fork in front of him.

There was something about Edward's face that made me feel bad for the teasing. "I was just joking about the veal. He loves animals."

The hostess's eyelashes begin to flutter. I made Edward appealing again. Damn it.

"I love eating them." Edward looked up with a grin that had an edge of danger.

Her mouth dropped open and it took a moment to regain her composure. She squeaked, "I'll pass this on to your waiter."

"That was pretty cool, Cullen," I complimented as she fled.

"I thought that you would appreciate that." He smirked and resumed playing with his fork.

Conversation became stagnant. Edward played with his fork. I watched the other diners.

The waiter put down our drinks and Edward shoved his glass to me. "You can have mine. You are going to become dehydrated. Perhaps water would have been a better choice for you."

"Aren't you at least thirsty?" I noticed Edward's angry expression. "I'm sorry if I made you lose your appetite . I mean not everyone loves mushrooms. I mean sure they are farmed in feces. Maybe not so much anymore—"

"Isabella, I have a special diet." Edward began ripping his napkin. "Let's just be quiet for a bit."

I had no clue what to do with this enigma. "It seems that I'm annoying you. I have no skills with dealing with other people. I can't have a conversation without saying something weird or snarky. I'm sorry for breathing your same air or something. Let's just get the food to go and I can stop embarrassing you."

"It's not that. Here you are finally letting me into that head of yours." He glared at the waiter. "That guy is ruining everything by the things he's thinking about you."

"That guy is thinking about when he can have his next cigarette break," I scoffed.

Edward banged his fist on the table. "He's thinking you look like a good lay."

"Jealousy or whatever this is doesn't suit you. It was the hostess that was having dirty Edward Cullen thoughts. I don't need to read minds to figure that out."

"I can read minds, Isabella."

Edward Cullen was crazy.

I scooted my chair away from him. If I could escape out of a bathroom window, I could call for a cab. "Sure you can."

"I'm serious. That woman over there is cheating on her husband with the gardener. He is also having an affair with that same gardener. It's all so uncouth," Edward told me.

The older couple he was speaking of were sharing a plate of mozzarella sticks. The woman's hair was a white bob and she wore a velour track suit that grandmothers are inclined to wear at bingo. Her husband's head was a shiny dome and he wore a track suit that matched his wife's. A mozzarella stick was shoved in her mouth and she moaned. They seemed happy to me. It was a bit disgusting. They should be at home in matching Lazy Boy chairs watching _Golden Girls _or _Murder She Wrote _reruns.

"I think you're a little off on your guess there."

"Isabella, the gardener is making them both so happy that they are rediscovering their love!" Edward grumbled. "That guy in the corner is planning on making his date pay for their dinner. He's going to say he forgot his wallet but it's in his jacket pocket."

The waitress had a brought over their check and the man did act like he didn't have his wallet. The dark haired woman he was eating with looked like she was going to slap him.

"That means nothing. The guy looks like a douche," I pointed out. He wore a _Black Sabbath _tee-shirt and ripped jean which he probably did himself. To his date's horror, he started picking his teeth with a toothpick. There was no way that guy was getting another date. A swift kick to the balls would be more like it.

Edward's face was twisted up in annoyance. He let out a sigh. "The man with the mullet to our left has a cat named Winston. He has inappropriate thoughts about that cat. I will be calling the authorities about my concerns."

"Sure the dude has a questionable hairstyle, but—"

"Sir, my girlfriend and I are having a discussion about pets. I was wondering if you have a preference on what certain type of animal she should get?" Edward asked the strange man.

"My Winston is the love of my life. He's such a pretty pussy," the man answered. He had a dreamy look on his face. That cat needed to be saved.

There had to be an explanation for this. "You called me your girlfriend."

"Isabella, that's the only thing you got out of this?" Edward started napkin ripping again.

"No, but that scares me less than the mind reading." A little bit less. Oh shit. "You can read my mind?"

"You are the only one that I cannot," he admitted. "I find it an equal mix of frightening and refreshing."

"I find it fantastic. You can't handle my twisted." It was the truth. He rewarded my words with a smile.

Quickly, he grabbed my hand and linked our fingers. Edward began to rub my knuckles. "You are my everything, sweet Isabella."

What the fuck?

"I have brought the beautiful lady her ravioli," the waiter cooed.

"We were having a moment," Edward hissed. There was a sexy scary vibe coming from him that was quite enchanting.

The waiter dropped my plate quickly. "Just let me know if I can get you anything else."

"The check," Edward instructed coldly. He turned back to me with a smile. "If you wish for dessert, I will stop at the McDonald's and get you a sundae. It isn't the most fancy of sweets, but—"

"I like Mickey D's, Edward. What was up with the possessive crap?" I reluctantly pulled my hand away.

A new glare was directed at the man. "He was imaging spanking you over a table."

Gross.

"That is why I carry a gun, Cullen."

"That little firearm is being returned to you father," Bossy pants demanded.

I laughed. "Dream on."

"Will you please be rational?" He moved his chair closer and I did the same.

We were like pissed off magnets that needed to fight or mount each other like mountain lions or some other type of woodland creatures.

"Never." I moved closer.

Edward began to look nervous. "What's happening here?"

Angry sexual tension would be my answer if the handsome crazy could read my mind. Except he couldn't. That was a win for me.

Instead, I placed a ravioli in my mouth. I chewed very slowly and Edward stared. He put his ripped up napkin on his I finished chewing, I licked my lips. He continued with the staring.

"I'm going to finish eating, Edward Cullen. You are going to obsessively stare while hiding that erection with your napkin."

He gasped and I smiled.

Edward Cullen liked me.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Hello there.**

Chapter 10

"You have a phone, Carnac the Magnificent?" I asked as Edward zoomed down the road.

Maybe zoom wasn't the right word. This was a Volvo. He drove like an old, blue-haired lady on her way to the early bird special. Actually, my grandmother would have probably gone faster to get a reduced price salisbury steak.

Edward watched me instead of the damn road. "What?"

"Eyes on the road. The Tonight Show character created by Johnny Carson. Not Jimmy Fallon version, you whippersnapper," I explained. "Where's your fancy cell phone? I know you have one."

"How do you know about Carson? You're a child!" Edward still wasn't looking in front of him. If we hit a tree, I was going to kill him.

"I live in the world, Cullen. I like old things." I folded my arms and glared at the windshield. Maybe he would take a hint and actually look at where he was heading.

I thought I heard him whisper, "Good."

"Did you do your mind reading mumbo jumbo and get that address from the cat lover?" I asked. "I want to save Winston. Phone."

"I took care of it."

"When?" I saw a group of deer handing by the side of the road with their dead eye stares being spotlighted by the car's headlights. There was a momentarily concern that they would dart into the road and get hit, but I needed not to worry. Edward was too busy staring at them and licking his lips.

"While you were having a moment in the lavatory. I called my father to retrieve the animal," he informed me as he craned his neck to look back at the deer.

I punched him in the arm to get his attention. "I want Winston."

"Who?" Edward narrowed his eyes and looked angry. "We don't go to school with a boy with that name. You shouldn't be saying the things you do to me when—"

"The cat, Cullen. Winston is the cat's name." I might not like people, but animals were better than humans. It's a fact. "He needs a home and I need a feline henchman."

Edward shook his head. "It's too late. The cat is on it's way to the pound."

"I want that pussy." The car swerved at my words. "It gets lonely when Charlie's at work."

His lips started moving rapidly like he was cursing me or the cat. All of sudden, he grabbed his phone out of the glove box and dialed the number using both hands.

He stopped holding the steering wheel. Just nonchalantly punched in the numbers while the car went willy nilly all over the road. I had no clue how he ever got a driver's license. He must have used his questionable flirting or creepy glare technique to convince the poor person administering the test.

"Tell me he didn't . . . I'm not joking, Carlisle. Get it away from Emmett. . . Bella, wants it." Edward let out an annoyed sigh. "Drop the beast at the police station. We'll pick it up before I deliver Bella back to her home. . . Tell Emmett to stop whining. It's not an appetizer."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Everything in the phone conversation was confusing.

"That animal will be your new pet."

I couldn't help smiling. "Dr. DILF broke into a house and stole a cat? That's fantastic."

"A thank you would be nice," he whined.

"I could kiss you right now, but your already a horrible driver. You don't need anymore distractions," I informed him.

That's when he laughed. It was a nice laugh and kind of music to my ears.

XXXXXX

The station was packed with squad cars. They were from towns that were miles away. The officers were sipping coffee, smoking cigarettes, and going over maps that were spread out on the hoods of the cars. Charlie and Dr. DILF were standing on the porch of the building having a conversation of a serious nature. I could tell by Charlie's mustache twitch.

"Charlie? What's happening here? A party in the police station parking lot? Where's the keg?" I asked my father.

He ran down the steps of the building and hugged me. "Thank god, you're okay!"

"What are you doing?" I mumbled into his shirt. He was suffocating me in poorly made police issued polyester.

Charlie just hugged me tighter. "Shut up, smart ass. I'm your dad and I need to hug you right now."

Alrighty then.

"Carlisle, what is happened?" Edward asked looking at the goings on happening around us.

"A murder most foul according to your father," the doctor reported solemnly. He should be a character on _Masterpiece Theater_ or some other period piece miniseries.

Charlie finally let me go. "It was Waylon, honey."

"The drunk?" I just saw him a couple of days ago with a bottle wrapped up in a brown paper bag. Old Waylon was stumbling around with his sweatshirt covered in questionable stains. His balding head had food caked into the remaining strands of his hair. He was practically harmless though. Murder wasn't cool.

"Kid, he was Santa Claus at the firehouse when you were little," Charlie reminded me. "Poor old Waylon."

"Old Waylon gave out mini liquor bottles instead of candy canes one year." It was the most confusing Christmas ever.

"Really? How'd I miss that?" Charlie looked confused.

My father wasn't the most observant man. How he got to Chief of Police was very confusing.

"That body had no fucking blood in it," Deputy Dan announced as he held out box of donuts to me. "He was shriveled up like a raisin. Remember those Claymation California Raisins, Charlie? Damn that was a hoot."

"Shriveled up like a raisin? Awesome! Can I see the body?" There was no blood so no worries. I couldn't handle blood, but corpses would be no problem. I pulled out a jelly filled donut. Mysteries made me hungry.

Charlie scolded his second in command, "You'll give her nightmares!"

"I'm not scared of anything. Dan, draw me a picture of a shriveled Waylon," I instructed. "I can help solve the case. I'm a regular Nancy Drew."

"If you're Nancy Drew than I'm Barney Fife," Charlie scoffed.

I rolled my eyes. "You sure aren't Andy Griffith, Pop, if this is the way you are running a half ass investigation."

I had been watching a lot of reruns of _The Andy Griffith Show_ with Charlie. He thought Mayberry reminded him of Forks. It seems he might be onto something since they both were stuck in the sixties.

"They are completely ridiculous," Edward whispered to his father.

I turned to Edward with my hands on my hips. "What did you say?"

His eyes widened as did Dr. DILF's. "You couldn't possibly hear us."

"Au contraire, Edwardo. You aren't exactly whispering over there."

Dr. DILF cleared his throat. "It was an animal attack."

"There was no blood, Doc!" Dan exclaimed. "What do you think did it? A vampire bat?"

Edward and DILF exchanged odd looks. Something was up with those two.

"I'm sure there is a logical explanation," the doctor stated. "I'll confer with the Medical Examiner in the morning."

Finally, Cullen said, "Father and I must be off. Stay safe."

"Uh huh." Then I remembered my new best friend. "Winston?"

"Is in your father's office, Isabella." Dr. DILF squeezed my shoulder. "Have a good night."

"Bella, a cat? Seriously?" My father complained. "That animal is meaner than a snake. He keeps hissing and trying to scratch anyone who comes near him.

I couldn't help smiling. "He's perfect!"

A cat and a murder all in one night. This couldn't get any better.

XXXXXX

_The first thing I noticed was that my feet were damp. Little blades of grass tickled my toes. _

_It was dark and the stars filled the night sky. I had found myself in a meadow surrounded by trees. It would be beautiful to some, but I was far more concerned about how I got there and more importantly—_

_How the hell did I get in this fucking dress?_

_It wasn't even a dress. It was a light weight shift that made me look practically naked in the moonlight. It was so cold that I think one could see nipples. This was not cool. Whoever dragged me here and stuck me in this bad Harlequin novel garb was going to die. _

_"__Isabella, how kind of you to join me?" _

_There in front of me, Edward appeared. He was dressed in a tuxedo and wore a cape that was lined with a maroon silk. I would find him completely sexy if I wasn't practically naked in the woods. It was the middle of the night and I needed my sleep. _

_"__What's up with the cape, Batman? You're missing your mask," I told him. _

_He moved closer and wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close. "Who says I'm the hero? What if I'm the villain?"_

_"__I wasn't saying either one, Ed. I was just mocking your outfit choice." I tried to move away but he held me tight. _

_"__Isabella, I brought you here so you can join me in a meal." He moved my hair away from my neck and ran his lips down the skin._

_"__I'm not hungry." I informed him. _

_"__I am." Edward kissed the skin under my ear. "Did you read your book?"_

_"__I was too busy setting up a litter box."_

_"__Vampires, my sweet, vampires," Edward kissed my neck one more time. "Dinner is served."_

_There was the pain and Edward began to drink. He was drinking me. _

I woke up breathing hard. Winston was hissing and spitting at the open window. His pumpkin color fur was standing on end.

"Winston?" I whispered.

The cat pranced over to me and purred. He rubbed against my skin, while keeping a watchful eye on the window.

"You taking care of me, buddy?" I asked him as I scratched him under his chin.

Vampires. Oh my god.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Hello there. **

Chapter 11

A hassle with some thugs, murder, and a smelly old book about things that go bump in the night must have been the cause of my fucked up dreams. Add in a heaping crush on that confusing Edward Cullen and no wonder that I was thinking nonsensical things like monsters and vampires.

The mind reading might be true. The workings of the brain can lead to unexpected occurrences that might look like magic but is actually science. I think I'll write another letter to Neil deGrasse Tyson. That Master of the Cosmos can figure out the riddle of Edward Cullen's curious mind. If he continues to ignore me, I'll turn to Bill Nye the Science Guy. Trust me, he'll answer anything and send free tee-shirts. I have quite the collection.

"Bells, your cat hates that Cullen boy," Charlie pointed out as I came into the kitchen. He handed me a mug of coffee and looked at me bundled up. "Why are you dressed like an Eskimo?"

All my cold weather gear that I had hoped to pack away now that spring had arrived was weighing down my body. The warm woolen hat that Renee had knit for me was tightly squeezing my skull. The woman not only couldn't knit properly but the size she made for me was more appropriate for a newborn baby. My goose down parka was zipped up to my neck. My gloves were as thick as oven mitts. This town was ridiculous.

"Angela talked me into checking out First Beach with her. I think she wants to ogle Cheney in his wetsuit. Supposedly, the kids in Forks are insane enough to surf in frigid water," I explained. "When did Edward see Winston?"

"He dropped you off some fruit and some damn hippie whole wheat English muffins. Says he's worried you aren't eating properly." Charlie rolled his eyes. "That cat let him have it. Cullen ran out of here like a baby."

I snorted and grabbed a donut out of the box Charlie had placed next to the coffee maker. "I think I'll choose the sugar filled donut."

Charlie gave me the thumbs up. "That's my girl. Kid, don't let anyone man or woman push you around. That Edward kid is bossy. Stay true to you."

"Aww Papa, you sound like one of those inspirational posters with the kitten hanging upside down or a sunrise over a field to give positive aspirations. I feel like writing feminist poetry about girl power."

"Kid, you are a smart ass." Charlie patted my shoulder. "Never change."

XXXXXX

"This is a chilly hell you have brought me to, Weber. My retribution will be swift and painful." I was sitting on the tailgate of Mike Newton's truck. He was rubbing sand onto his face because I told him it would help clear up his face eruptions. He looked like a comical inept sea monster with the mixture of sand and seaweed caked on his face. It was funny.

"You're just sad that Edward isn't here," she teased. Angela actually looked away from Ben floundering in the water like a drunk seal to grin at me with sparkling eyes. The watery eyeballs was probably from the damn cold. It was brutal.

"I'm surprised my stalker isn't here. I seem to find him lurking in every corner."

I didn't admit that I kind of liked it. I'm sure Angela knew. She might not have Edward's freaky gift of clairvoyance, but that girl could read me like a damn book.

The beach, even in this blustery weather, was beautiful. I'm not the type to usually get dreamy while watching waves crash on the surf, but I liked the idea of Cullen strolling across the sand with the salty wind making his hair blow in a sexy way. He would also be shirtless. It's my fantasy and I can have him dressed however inappropriately as my heart desires.

Angela ran her fingers through her hair and went back to ogling Benjamin. That kid was crashing into the waves and spitting water everywhere. He was basically still on shore. Tyler must have thought that Ben was drowning, so he dove in and they started grabbing one another in an ill-advised wrestling match. It ended with Tyler trying to give Ben mouth to mouth. Ben was breathing just fine and punching Tyler in the chest.

"Stop it, man! I'm trying to give you air!" Tyler yelled.

Ben punched him harder. "I can breath, fucker!"

"Idiots. I should have asked Eric to prom instead," Angela mumbled. I saw Eric from the corner of my eye giving a fist pump. He must have heard her declaration. She turned her attention back to me, "I would have invited Edward here for you, Bella, but he isn't allowed on the reservation. I don't want a fight to start up."

"Mike and Tyler are too scared of Edward to start a fight. They would pee themselves first."

Angela shook her head. "Not those guys. The people who live on the reservation don't allow the Cullens to come on their land."

"The Cullens are a weird bunch of snobs. I get that. They might be as pale as Casper the Ghost, but that isn't any reason to keep them away from a public beach. If any family in the world needs to tan it would be them," I stated in annoyance. They were a bizarre family unit, but basically harmless. Maybe. Alice was still iffy.

"I know but—" She began but was startled by a group of boys that walked up to us.

"The Cullens can't come here. If they do then there will be consequences." A large dark skinned man spoke. He must be the leader of this rag-tag gang. His ebony hair twisted into a braid and he wore only a Seattle Mariners tee-shirt in the cold. His feet were bare. Didn't he realize the potential for frostbite?

"That's very _West Side Story_ of you," I remarked. "Are you The Sharks or The Jets? The Cullens look like they are skilled at jazz hand combat."

A skinny guy with braces snorted and pulled up the hood of his navy sweatshirt. "I bet they do. Those Cullens are freaks."

Hello Pot. Let me introduce you to Kettle.

"Shut the hell up, Quil!" Jacob hit Brace Face on the back of his head. He turned to me with a smile. "How you doin', baby?"

"I'm concocting ways to strangle you with your braid, Jacob Black." It was best to not sugar coat my feeling for him.

He grinned and flashed his set of giant horse teeth. "That's hot."

Serenity now.

"If you're friends with the Cold Ones than consider yourself unwelcome," the big one stated rudely.

Jacob threw an arm around my shoulder making me want to beat him with Phil's bat. "Aww come on, Sam! It's Bella Swan! Charlie's girl! We're practically engaged!"

I think Jacob had a death wish.

That Sam guy cocked a single eyebrow. In my head, I could hear the soundtrack for one of those old westerns that Charlie liked to watch on Saturday mornings while eating his Honey Nut Cheerios. If we were truly in the wild west, tumbleweeds would travel past our legs in the dusty road next to the saloon. Sam would be wearing a black cowboy head and stare me right in the eye to say—

"Keep your woman in line and way from the leeches, Jacob," Sam had the audacity to snarl.

You have to be kidding me.

Jacob grabbed my arm before I could launch myself onto that misogynistic piece of shit and rip out all of his hair to make it a rug for my bathroom.

"I'm going to take Bella on a tour of beach, Sam." He tugged me off the truck and dragged me away from his buddies.

"I don't care about seeing waves and sand, kid," I complained. "I don't want to leave Angela with those gang of losers you hang out with."

One of the skinny guys was stroking Angela's cheek. Both Ben and Eric were heading over in anger. A fight was brewing and stupid Jacob was pulling me in the opposite direction.

"Dude!" I complained.

"She'll be fine, my sweet piece of sunshine." Jacob kept pulling me toward the water's edge. There was a huge piece of driftwood that he sat on. He looked up at me expectantly and patted a spot next to him. "Your friend will be just fine. I think Embry likes her. He has a thing for girl's in glasses."

"He needs to keep his filthy paws to himself." I reluctantly sat next to him but I scooted to the furthest edge. The wind had picked up and I felt like it would blow me over if I remained standing. "So why are you such an asshole to the Cullens? The doctor one seems fairly decent for a guy with a stick up his ass."

The kid completely ignored my question. "My tribe name is going to be, Virile Wolf Who Runs Toward the Wind."

The eyebrow wiggle at me was not sexy in the least.

"I think the name, Puppy Who Needs to be Neutered would be more fitting." I threw a piece of bark at his head.

"I'm going to get muscles someday!" He retorted looking sad. "I don't know why you want to know about those stupid leeches anyway."

"They are people, kid. Stop being a jerk. What if they called you offensive names?" That was my job.

"There are all these weird stories about the cold ones. Girl, the elders wrote all that freaky blood drinking shit down and it is some nastiness." He shuddered dramatically. "Don't get me started on the tribe turning into werewolves. Those stories have been giving me nightmares since I was little. Like would I lick my own butt?"

I would be surprised if he didn't already do that.

"A bunch of old folklore is making you act like a fool? It's just stories to try to make sense of the world. Read a science book, kid," I stared at the waves. "I still don't get the Cullen hate."

Jacob looked at me with wide eyes. "They mentioned the Cullens! Things written by the ancestors talked about their pale skin and need to drink human blood. There was some treaty and they can't come here."

"Vampires aren't real, kid. I've seen the whole crew of them out in the daylight." As I said this, I remembered the dream I had last night. The whole thing with the mind reading was suspect as well. Maybe Bram Stroker had it all wrong.

"Dad told me about that dead guy without any blood. If the Cullens aren't actual vampires and those were their great-great grandparents, they still might like to drink blood. Some kinky thing." Jacob gave me a wink.

"Kid, you need to keep watching _Jake and the Pirates_ cartoons and leave the scary stories to the adults."

It was easy to pretend to dismiss Jacob Black's words. I didn't want him to get a swollen head in either direction. Gross.

Truth be told, Jake had given me something to think about. There was something terribly off about that family. Maybe an investigation is in order. I really do take after Charlie after all. I should be a cop.

XXXXXX

Soon after my chat with the hairy kid, we left the beach. The sky was still overcast but it seemed to be clearing up a bit. I was driving Ben and Angela home in my truck. I ignored their completely useless Minecraft conversation. Instead, my mind was trying to figure out the additional puzzles pieces that were coming my way. Like Spock. I knew there was a logical conclusion.

"Damn, is that Cullen's Volvo?" Ben asked in surprise.

He was right. Parked right outside the entrance to the reservation was Edward. His hands were gripping the steering wheel and he was staring at my rusty truck.

"Hello there, my little stalker," I said loudly.

Angela giggled and Ben let out a snicker. Edward's eyes narrowed like my cat's.

I gave him the Vulcan salute.

I'm going to figure you out, mystery man.


End file.
